I would advise anyone who aspires to a writing career that before developing his talent he would be wise to develop a thick hide.
— Harper Lee
I promised myself that when I clicked on the ‘add new post’ icon, I would eventually be clicking ‘publish’ once I was finished typing what I had to say.
You see, I have about 20 or so drafts sitting in my posts folder. They are all posts I at one point or another felt I needed to share, but I didn’t. It upsets me more than you know.
When I first started this blog over three years ago, it was because I enjoyed writing. Even if nobody was actually reading my words — besides my family and other random bloggers — I didn’t care. It was just nice to say what I had to say in my own little corner of the Internet.
I used words like RAD (maybe a bit too often) and I poured my heart out about women I loved. I didn’t care what people thought — okay, maybe a little — but I didn’t let it censor me.
For some reason though, lately I’ve been questioning everything I write down. Even that sentence right there I wonder, should I be admitting this?
Sure it’s made me a better editor, but at what cost? Scrutinizing everything I put to paper has become tiresome. Questioning what everyone else will think is just silly. Yeah, maybe my older blog posts weren’t going to get me my next big gig, but they were my words. They were thoughts I felt I needed to share, and that should be enough.
I don’t know when or why this all started, but I do know a few things: being critiqued on my creativity for the past year has been challenging. Being surrounded my such talented people has made me analyze my own skills through a magnifying glass. Being so totally objective has left me a little lost.
I need to stop censoring myself and believe in me again. When I go back and read old blog posts, they make me smile because I was carefree. I can specifically remember sitting at my old Toshiba laptop in my shitty old apartment and the satisfaction I got from clicking ‘publish.’ I hate to say it, but when it comes to this blog, I haven’t felt that way in a while.
People always say, to become a better writer you need to write. So here’s to writing for the fun of it. Here’s to writing stories I can look back at and smile. And here’s to being honest and saying whatever the hell I want, because these are my words and this is my blog.
To gain your own voice, you have to forget about having it heard.
Yesterday I dropped my boyfriend off at the airport (Note: I have only ever dropped people off at the airport that completed construction nearly three years ago). I’m not jealous.
Okay, I’m a little jealous. He’s going to Europe for two weeks (you can read about it here). I have never been, and I am dying to go.
A couple of days ago I had a conversation with my dad:
D: Are you going to cry when he leaves?
A: No dad, I’m not going to cry. Yes I’ll be sad, but more so because I’m not going, not because he’s leaving.
D: So what you’re saying is you’d rather go and he stay here?
A: No…well, yeah I’d be okay with that. (ha ha ha)
But in all seriousness, I’m super happy for him. He’s going to have a blast, and he’s with great company. The best part is that he gets to celebrate his 23rd birthday overseas, and how cool is that?
Yesterday at work my boss told me something: the best quality a person can have is to be genuinely happy for others (and this is just one more reason why I love her).
It was good timing and just what I needed to hear.
Regardless of the fact that I’ve never been to Europe, that I’ve only ever dropped people off at the new airport, and that I drove home in my sauna of a car, I find joy in his happiness. And yeah, sometimes it’s hard not to be jealous, but I think that’s only natural.
As for me, I just finished two books that I really enjoyed: Everything’s Perfect When You’re a Liar by Kelly Oxford and Nothing to Envy by Barbara Demick (more details later). I’m starting to read World War Z now because Riley and I just watched a documentary on Netflix called Doc of The Dead which reignited my love of zombies. Also, he said it’s really good and I totally trust his judgement.
I’m working, although I work outside, so if you’re reading this from Winnipeg you know how that’s going…
I’m slowly preparing for my IPP, thanks to some really helpful people.
I’m writing some articles, and I may have an exciting freelance PR opportunity coming my way (more details later). And like my school friend Cella, I’m trying to just write for fun again. Like she explained, sometimes it’s just plain hard to write something.
I’m really enjoying the fun things like my ultimate frisbee team, Can’t Touch Disc (I know, super awesome name), having drinks on patios (when it’s not raining), and appreciating the company of my friends.
I’m trying really hard to be less clumsy. After dropping my phone in the toilet and then dropping my new one on the concrete and cracking the screen, it’s very necessary. Also, funny story: Riley and I enjoyed some drinks at Stella’s before he went through security. I got a delicious iced latte and he got some lemonade. I almost walked away leaving my keys on the counter. He picked them up and handed them to me:
R: You worry me when you put your keys on the counter like that.
A: Yeah, I do that a lot. The other day I left them on a counter somewhere. Thankfully a man noticed and brought them over to me. Oops!
Once we said our goodbyes and Riley was in line at security, I set down all my stuff at a suitcase display to rummage through my backpack to try and find my keys (I glanced over a few times to make sure he wasn’t looking). Once I found them, I made it all the way back to my car before I realized I had left my Jean jacket back on the display. Of course. Some habits are just really hard to break.
Last but not least, I’m looking forward to some weekends away later this summer.
I hope you’re enjoying your summer + finding joy in the happiness and success of others.